How I Would Answer
The Bernard Pivot Questionaire
If I Were Ever Interviewed
by James Lipton on Bravo's
"Inside the Actor's Studio," and
How My Answers Would Compare
With Those of Ben Affleck
(Whose Responses Suggest That in
Real Life, He's Every Bit as
Bland and Insipid as
He Appears on Screen)
by Brian McCloskey, unemployed
aesthete and dilettante (and
former assistant to a film producer)
What is your favourite word?
Garofalo
(BA: Hallelujah)
What is your least favourite word?
Tracheotomy
(BA: I can't)
What turns you on?
Garofalo
(BA: Being funny)
What turns you off?
Tracheotomy
(BA: Being judgemental)
What sound do you love?
Ringo's drums tumbling in behind the vocals in the second
verse of A Day In The Life
(BA: Sound another person makes that indicates pleasure)
What sound do you hate?
The sound of a film producer asking me to make travel arrangements,
then whining because none of the airlines offers a direct,
non-stop flight from LAX to JFK at EXACTLY the time he wants
to travel and complaining because he can't use his frequent
flier miles because he hasn't given me enough warning to book
his flight fourteen days in advance (because, God knows, that
might actually make my job a bit easier) and then, when he
eventually gets where he wants to go, calling me the morning
of the day before the return leg of his trip and informing
me that he wants to come home a day early and can I please
call the airlines and make the necessary arrangements (because,
God knows, he can't call the airline himself at the start
of the day in New York: obviously it makes much more sense
to wait three hours until I get into the office in Los Angeles)
and then, of course, complaining because he has to pay a fee
to change the return leg. Either that or car alarms.
(BA: Sound another person makes that indicates I have let
them down)
What is your favourite curse word?
Bollocks
(BA: Fuck)
What profession, other than yours, would you
like to attempt?
Employed aesthete and dilettante
(BA: Astronaut)
What profession would you not like to participate
in?
Assistant to a film producer
(BA: Attorney)
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear
God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
How do you get six elephants out of the theatre? (BA: Your
friends are in the back. They're expecting you.)
