from The Very Unmentioned Archives for the Printed Version of Me Head

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How to Win Friends
by Arnold Cook

  You've been up, and you've been down. You've got siblings, cousins, and even acquaintances. Lady Luck's not going to take you much farther: you need skills.   The dealer knows you've been picking up chumps with your pairs and an occasional three-of-a-kind, but you want to wait for the suit. The first time you snag three of the same suit in a hand, throw two siblings into the pot, then ask the dealer for two more cards. He'll see it coming, and it'll make him nervous.
  Now here's the play: Don't look at your cards. You look straight-faced at the dealer and you slide your mother across the table, nice and slow. Have you been counting cards? Are you an old pro? Do you know the risks? That dealer's asking himself a million questions in his head, and you just have to sit there nice and quiet. He'll slide his own mother into the pot.
  If his hand shakes or trembles, you've got him in the bag. Splash your dad into the pot immediately, and if he raises you, throw in either grandparent. No one bets a grandma without a sure hand. The dealer folds, and you take your pile to the cashier. She'll hand you over a crisp new friend and congratulate you on a game well played. I've won many friends over the years, and that's the most sure-fire method I know of.