The cost of Syg Pound's Nervous Breakdown
was One Good Act. Below are some Genuine Good Acts
that our readers were willing to perform in exchange
for a copy.
Jarrod
Gollihare
I will seek out a self-proclaimed fan of "Temptation
Island" in my community and, instead of my normal inclination
to grab him by the hair and ram his head into my knee
repeatedly whilst proclaiming "Philistine! Philistine!"
I will instead attempt to smile and compliment his shoes.
I will only do this once, however.
Eric The Non-Ninja
So here's the deal. There's this hospital, where sick
people go. I go there, too, but I'm not sick. I go to
help out the sick ones. You know, it's volunteer stuff.
I take them water, food, medicine, and occasionally
perform open-heart surgery, because I want to be a doctor
and I figure I might as well start early. Sometimes
the patients don't say thanks or they spit in my face
or call me racist names like "fatso" or "Jain-boy" or
"short little Indian kid from India". I don't act in
a vengeful way, though. I refrain from calling them
"fools" like I am often so inclined to do. I stop myself
from purposely mishandling their intravenous fluids.
I shy away from switching their medication with the
pills of those in the psychiatric ward. I decide not
to throw blunt objects at them while they are sleeping
after surgery. So I hope I qualify for a Good Act Coloring
Book, for if I don't, I'll have to write you a semi-threatening
letter. Thank you and good night.
The Pope
Actually I can't think of any good deeds. There was
this one time when I was in Belfast and I gave a stripper
a twenty, then I had one of the cardinals go and take
it back though cause i needed it for the taxi ride home.
I like Eminem! Celestially Yours, His Eminence
Evan De Groot
I will color it to its full potential, and display
its pages on my refrigerator.
Ninja Soren
Although not as lengthy in description as others, my
so-called good act could only be described as "a good
act." Because I described it like that. And before you
ask, yes, this is the same Ninja Soren who expelled
all the guinea pigs from Ireland(we won't count that
as a good act.) Anyways, my other good act was as follows.
It occurred on a recent Wednesday. Sgt. Michael Mason
came to lecture in a certain Composition class "taught"
by the infamous D.D. Ingram. My good act was that of
listening to Pr. Mason and feigning interest and not
falling asleep by using the ol' prop-your-eyelids-open-with-a-shortened-ruler
trick. Although many might call this common courtesy
and not a good act, I think this was exceptional because
of the obviousness of Gen. Mason's need for attention
and love. Also, I appropriated several of his Me Head
stickers and placed them about the school, in discreet
and not-so-discreet locations. So give me a pat on the
back and a coloring book. In reviewing this submission,
I have decided that it is, in fact, longer than most.
So enjoy, and visit my site, Brass Mikey, communities.MSN.com/BrassMikey
AJ Morales
I will give my friend Allete a ride home when she needs
one, despite the fact that she lives way out in North
Phoenix and I'm up here in Ahwatukee, because her car
accident was pretty a bad and now she doesn't have a
car. She's fine though, so you don't need to worry.
She does make light groaning noises in mid-sentence
if she's standing up or sitting down, but she doesn't
let it stop the sentence, like for example, "Yeah I
don't know, for a first time thing it was a goo-OOd
piece of theatre." It kind of makes me wonder if she's
just one of those people who doesn't like to complain
about things, you know, the martyrs? No, actually martyr
is the wrong word, because martyrs make you feel guilty
and that can be unpleasant. Alette is pleasantly in
pain, and therefore shall have access to my 89 powder
blue toyota corolla whenever it pleases her. Maybe I
can check out that new bookstore downtown, too.
Joshua Gentges
Help Melanie make an A on the pharmacology test so
she'll stop freaking out about school.
Mike Cavalieri
I will make/sing opera arias for free.
(Note: We will take you up on this)
Blitzen Cowrimple
You get to keep my winner's check.
FRAN ADAMS
While I was waltzing home from my usual friday night
with Miller's band, I found a message in a bottle. After
reading the meaning of life, I felt compelled to throw
myself off of the top of the Mabee Center, but somehow
I did not.
richard miller
i plan to do my part to mold america's youth into ruthless
capitalist moguls who will fight one another to gain
control of the common will fo the american people, who
will hardly even notice.
Allegra
Went to a carnival to drink & ride rides, and saw one
of the guys working the rides wearing plastic bags &
baling twine on his feet.... so we all cruised to the
local thrift store & outfitted him with a pair of wing
tips, and swill kahlua & coffee at the end of the universe
cafe.
james heskett
one time, earlier this winter, i saw this tomcat in
the alley behind where i live. he looked awful sick
and tired. i didn't have any food except for a 40 oz.
of Old English i had just bought. so i sat down and
shared it with the cat. Now he never said thank you
or anything, but i could tell he was grateful. i slept
well that night, let me tell ya. the end.
Sarai
: Feed homeless people bread.
Myq Sandham
i helped a friend move an extremely large and heavy
television into her new apartment
John Galusha
I subjected myself to shame and embarassment in front
of a friend. Two days later, I phoned my friend and
continued my own abasement until I was confident that
I had almost no dignity left. Futhermore, I am confessing
this "good act" in hopes of continued humiliation.
Kate Stewart
committing a good deed is best left to doing nothing
at all. “what is this tom-foolery?” one may ask (assuming
that one believes in the presumption of so-called “good
deeds”). well, one has probably heard a wise old saying
once said that with every action comes an equal and
opposite reaction; ergo, helping an old lady to cross
the street is actually nailing her creaking coffin shut.
allow me to continue with my theory (if you must). i
fondly call it nillism (from the greek/latin/bermudin
root/suffix preconjecture, nil, meaning zero, zilch,
nada) and it can carry a tune rather well. it prefers
not to shake the boat or rock a leg, because doing so
would knock the consequences into the wrong hands. so
my good deed for the short duration of my nillistic
little life was to sit and watch an elderly man struggle
to pick up a penny 3 inches from my feet because if
i did it for him, we would all be burning in a fiery
pit this vary moment. you all can thank me later.
Shin Yu Pai
editing my boyfriend's application essay for graduate
school in Acupuncture Submit:
Chris Bagwell
I intend to improve my dancing skills, and in the process
grow closer to my monkey heritage. The world needs more
monkeys.
Dragonchakus
Well, I did venture to help the elderly at a blood
drive run by our friends over at Red Cross...I would
consider this fairly good...better than okay, that is.
The elderly have a considerable amount of trouble in
adjusting to tense situations...situations involving
'blood donation'. But, rest assured, I was there to
calm them down and make sure they were comfortable.
I was well aware that if I wasn't their Red Cross hero,
I would have gotten 'Citizen Kaned' by the Red Cross
police...yes, the bloodthirsty (no pun intended) workers
do exist. But anyways, I do what I can because I aim
to please...usually aiming with a laser pointer is best...but
not for violence, of course. Keep up the good work fellas,
and until we meet again...I'll be watching Temptation
Island. Why you ask(even if you don't)? Because I am
a voyeur. No further information...except for that...and
that as well...you get the point.
