I PUT MONEY IN THE VENDING MACHINE,
AND THIS IS WHAT IT GAVE ME
by Christopher Dooley
One bag of hard candy, two quarters, and a postage-stamp
sized note with the following handwritten message:
Dear Vending Machine Customer,
I appreciate your business. I am the owner of this
particular vending machine. My name is Hugh. My wife, Pauletta,
told me I should put little notes in with the products so that your
purchase would seem more personable. That is why you are getting
this note. I appreciate your business. Pauletta is a smart
woman. She took a few psychology classes in college. She knows about
people and what they want. Such as a personable buying experience
like the one you are now having. I appreciate your business.
Pauletta also likes sourdough bread and tattoos. So I trust her
judgement. And I appreciate your business. I believe the biggest
problem with the world is that we are not nice enough to each other.
Every night before bed, I stroke Pauletta’s hair and make wonderful
comments like, “Your eyes are like the North Star every time a savior
is born.” These things make her desire me very much. She often says,
“Take me, Hugh.” So I take her and we sleep very well. If only people
in general treated others as Pauletta and I treat ourselves. I don’t
have to tell you we would all sleep better. We would no longer feel
the need to honk our horns or spit or yell or give the finger. I
have given the finger just once in eighteen years, and I only gave
the finger then because my son, Erol, was asking for a demonstration
of gestures he was not allowed to use. Erol is twenty-six now and
has never given the finger. He chooses, instead, to give the neck—a
completely ridiculous gesture that means absolutely nothing to anyone
accept Erol. Fair enough. The point is, Pauletta and I have been
in only one fight through our entire marriage. So you, vending machine
customer, should take my advice. Live your life as I have. Do not
give the finger (or the neck). Do not spit or yell or honk. Make
nice comments to strangers like, “If I had a second head, I’d want
it to be yours.” Pauletta once said to me, “Oh, Hugh. You are perfect
in every way. I wish I was married to three of you. Maybe you could
invite two of your friends over and we could pretend.” That meant
so much to me. Just like you mean so much to me, vending machine
customer. I appreciate your business.
