VAGINA DENTATA:
A piece of literary criticism to be sung to the tune of
"Hakuna Matata" from The Lion King
Editor's Note: "Vagina dentata" means pretty
much what it says, i.e. a vagina with teeth. It is to
be understood as a symbol of woman's power to harm anyone
who intrudes, as it were, into her mysteries.
Oh, also: somene send this page to Camille
Paglia, who inspired it, and tell her how funny it
is so she will say something about it in her column and
we will become famous.
TIMON
Vagina Dentata!
Gives me quite a scare.
PUMBAA
Vagina Dentata!
It's a chthonic snare.
TIMON When you get some
You better beware…
TIMON AND PUMBAA
It's an archetype
of a different stripe
Vagina Dentata!
TIMON
Vagina Dentata!
YOUNG SIMBA
(spoken)
Vagina Dentata?
PUMBAA
(spoken)
Yeah. It's our motto!
YOUNG SIMBA
(spoken)
What's a motto?
TIMON
(spoken) Nothin'! What's-a-motto with you?!
PUMBAA
(spoken)
Those two words will cause all kinds of problems.
TIMON
(spoken)
That's right. Take Pumbaa here...
(sung)
Why...when he was a young warthog
PUMBAA When I was a young warthog
TIMON
(spoken)
Very nice
PUMBAA
(spoken)
Thanks.
TIMON
He desperately wanted to lose his virginity
But recoiled in fear from brutal feminity
PUMBA I'm a sensitive soul though I seem thick-skinned
Like Orlando puzzled by the hermaphroditic Rosalind
PUMBAA
And, oh, the fear
TIMON Oh, the fear!
PUMBAA
That I might be queer
TIMON Got worse every year!
PUMBAA
And I felt castrated
TIMON How did ya feel?
PUMBAA
Ev'rytime that I copu -
TIMON
(spoken)
Hey, Pumbaa! Not in front of the kids!
PUMBA
(spoken)
Oh, sorry.
TIMON AND PUMBAA Vagina Dentata!
Gives me quite a scare
Vagina Dentata!
It's a chthonic snare
YOUNG SIMBA
When you get some
You better beware
ALL
It's an archetype
of a different stripe
Vagina Dentata!
Vagina Dentata!
Vagina Dentata!
Vagina Dentata!
Vagina Dentata!
