I Want to Be Stalked
so Here are Some Tips
by Michael Mason
On Mondays I wear
a red shirt, because Dotti Boyles once said that red makes my skin
look purple, and I think purple is a dangerous look to sport on
Mondays. If you see someone with a red shirt and purple face
on a Monday, there’s a good chance it’s me.
I am colorblind, so
it is difficult for me to tell the difference between cars. You
could drive a blue Geo around my home or office on Friday, and a
green Civic on Monday, and I wouldn’t be able to tell them apart.
If my service as a
Navy Seal taught me anything, it’s that I can hold my breath for
a long time. I can hold it during an entire episode of Jerry Springer,
and even then I can go well into a commercial break before CO2 poisoning
breaks down enzyme production in my 1200CC (Seal-talk for cerebral
cortex). Don’t push me in that corner, because you’ll lose.
It is an easy mistake
to make, but if you are stalking me because I resemble Russell Crowe,
you got the wrong guy. When you try to take a photo of me, you’ll
see I have a Seal tattoo on my right hip, and Mr. Crowe does not.
The pics will probably still fetch a good asking price on the internet.
The International
House of Pancakes runs a secret discount for former Navy Seals on
Tuesday nights at ten. The special is so good that I’m usually lured
in. Be careful though. Disrupting a Seal during meal time is like
trying to pull a bloody steak away from a Pit Bull; I have the legal
right to chew your fingers off if you make the first move.
Sometimes I answer
the phone with a woman’s voice.
Navy Seals can swim
over a hundred and fifty miles in a three-hour period. I am a little
out of shape, so I’d be lucky to nail a hundred and forty-eight.
Still, if you’re stalking me on open water, you might want a boat
with a mid-size motor on it.
By sticking your index
finger into the corner of someone’s left eye, you can push back
on the Jelly Button (Seal talk for the bundle of nerves adjacent
to the optical nerve) and temporarily paralyze that person. I already
know that trick, so don’t even try it.
