SOME ESSAYS THAT CONTAIN EXACTLY
THE SAME NUMBER OF WORDS AS THEIR TITLE
by Mattie
LeFou
“An Extremely Brief Introduction to the Properties
and Methods of Ingesting Heroin, with a Description of a Precaution
by Which Addicts Hope to Avoid Conviction for Possession of Illegal
Substances, Which should be Construed as Purely Informative, and
not as an Indication that the Author of the Present Essay Condones
the Use of Such Deadly Narcotics”
by Henry Lyter
Pure heroin usually has a beige color. The
whiter the heroin the less pure it is. Depending on the concentration
of the heroin, it can be taken orally, injected or smoked. Heroin
doses (1/10 gram) are usually packaged in balloons or condoms, so
that they can be swallowed and after extracted in case of an arrest.
“An Argument, Based on Acute Observations, Right Reason,
and Scientific Principles Well Established, Suggesting the Governance
of these States to be at its Heart Tyrannical and in Opposition
to the Interests of Their Citizens, Explaining How this Unfortunate
Situation Came About in a Land once Vehemently Devoted to Freedom,
and Describing What Detrimental Effects of this Tyranny are already
Visible in Ordinary Life, which if any have Pitie in them will be
Received as a Mandate to Redress these Grievances by Careful Attendance
to the Legislative Practices of our Representatives in Congress
and by United, Uncompromising Action at the Polls and in Public
Discourse”
by Madeleine Worther
It’s quite simple: the guys and gals get out
around election time and make cutesy non-informative TV commercials.
High Name recognition virtually ensures perpetual re-election. Returning
to the Capitol, they make sure their buddies are taken care of,
so that they will fund further commercials, and they throw the occasional
bone to their districts, so they will have a few factoids to broadcast.
The obvious and omnipresent result is, of course,
that anyone with ideas for serious change, or what used to be called
Vision, is de facto excluded from the ranks of those who
could effect it. Don’t believe me? Look it up.
“A Reasonably Witty but Unoriginal Way of Indicating
that You are a Pessimist”
by Ulan Lazil
Life will go on as it always has gone on; that
is, badly.
Why I Will Not Vote This Year
by Melanie Hewitt
Al Gore, George Bush, and Pat Buchanan
