RULES FOR THE GAME I INVENTED TO OCCUPY MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY AT GLITZY
GATHERINGS HELD IN MY HONOR
by Christopher Dooley
Object: To collect as many “Happy Chris
Tokens” as possible. The winner goes home with a life-sized replica
of me, Christopher Dooley, and may re-live in perpetuity the great
fun had at my party.
Eligibility: You must be eighteen years
of age or older to play—or whatever the legal age of consent may
be. You must be at least four feet tall. You must be independently
wealthy. You must believe that Pete Rose bet on baseball and should
never be allowed into the Hall of Fame. You must be wearing a scarf.
Your nose should be more angular than round, unless you have had
surgery to repair a deviated septum, in which case you will be allowed
to play, but you are not eligible to win. You must be wearing freshly
changed underwear. If you have ever had aspirations of attending
Harvard, you are not eligible. You must be wearing a shirt with
a pocket.
Rules:
1) Convince yourself
that you are worthless and that I, Christopher Dooley, am the greatest
living human being.
2) Now, convince me you are sincere
in your belief that I am the greatest living human being.
3) This does not mean I will give you
a token, but I’ll think about it. So keep convincing me.
4) Remove all the cash from your wallet/purse
and place it in my right hand.
5) Keep convincing me.
6) Pour your heart out to everyone
in the room about how pathetic your life has become. If you can
bring me to tears, I might give you a token. And then I’ll kick
you out of my party because you’re a loser, and I don’t allow losers
at parties given in my honor.
7) Use the phrase, “Sex for Tokens,”
and see what happens.
8) Keep your tokens in your shirt pocket.
9) Bring me food when I ask for it.
10) Bring me drinks when I ask for
them.
11) Bring me cash.
12) Do not ask me questions.
13) The game is over when I say it
is over. So technically, the game could last days or weeks or longer.
14) The winner must promise to not
defile the life-sized replica of me, Christopher Dooley, in any
way.
15) The winner is responsible for organizing
and hosting the next Glitzy Gathering held in my honor.
16) Never stop convincing me.
