PLANS LAID FOR 73 SCREEN THEATRE
by Kabob Stephens
BigMart has announced plans to open up a new
73-screen theatre, Shalom Cinema, featuring La-Z-Boy seating, low-priced
bulk concession snacks, and round-the-clock showings.
“Too many people are still going to different
places,” gripes BigMart Director of Development Sven Skarsgard.
“We want people to have one easy choice to make.”
BigMart’s MegaCenters already have groceries,
clothing, retails goods and automotive servicing; movies just seemed
like a natural capitalist progression. Although MegaCenters are
in nearly every city in the hemisphere, BigMart predicts that Shalom
Cinema will have almost no impact on the film industry.
Tram-driving tickettakers will deliver moviegoers
to their preferred theatre, and from there the viewing action begins.
Shalom Cinema plans to break new ground in pre-show entertainment
as well.
“Instead of previews, we’re going to play a
stream of specials going on in other parts of the store. You know,
why not pick up some bananas and a soundtrack while you’re at the
movies?” asks Skarsgard.
A theatre with so many screens will not only
allow BigMart to bankrupt local businesses, but to incite the movie
industry as well. Already, Shalom Cinema has its own in-house movie
editing suite which converts every film into a G-rated experience
for the whole family.
“We really want to send a message out to filmmakers
that America’s heartland is sick of their crap,” Skarsgard says.
Expect to pay about 35 cents a movie during
regular admission hours, with 2-for-1 specials every Tuesday Family
night. Shalom Cinema is expected to open by year’s end.
