Peter Pan’s Call to Dr. Laura
by Ken Miller
Dr. Laura: Welcome to the program, Peter. Mind if
I call you Pete?
Peter: Um, that’s fine, I guess. I-I was calling because
in a weird way, I’m actually my kids’ mom. You see, there’s a bunch
of us kids--
Dr. Laura: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Petey! Are you saying
you’re light in the loafers?
Peter: Er, no- I was just making a joke, because all
my friends are these young boys, and it’s up to me to watch them.
They’re orphans mainly, and besides, sometimes Tinkerbell helps
with-
Dr. Laura: Tinkerbell? Petey-boy. Let’s be really
honest here. You like men, dontcha? You like ‘em like I like ‘em,
right? Like to cuddle here and there, a little smoochin’ every so
often…
Peter: No, no... What are you--
Dr. Laura: Okay, okay, okay. You’re not the first,
and if you want to die and go to hell, it ain’t my business. But
it is my business if you want to raise kids with some other fairy.
There ought to be a law against that. Do you realize that the homosexual
community is opposed to monogamy? The more sex-partners they have
the better! And you want me to say it’s okay for your kids to be
involved with that! No way, mister. Huh-uh.
Peter: I’m not sure you understood me. I mean, these
kids don’t have any parents, and I’m all they got.
Dr. Laura: (sniffles) Waaaa! Oh, waaa! (laugh) Puh-lease
Peter of Green Gables. If you’re all they got, they’re better off
at the orphanage where at least they’ll be protected from sickos
like you.
Peter: But I’m the one who has to protect them from
Captain Hook! Me and Tink…
Dr. Laura: Oh my god. Okay. (gently) Peter. Peter.
Just stop. Calm down and listen to me just a moment. Are you there?
Peter: Yes.
Dr. Laura: Look, I’m going to put you on the line
with one of our specialists, okay? She’s going to refer you to a
counselor in your area, because Pete—now I need you to be open and
understanding here…
Peter: Uh. Okay..
Dr. Laura: Because I’m about to tell you something really important…
Peter: Okay. I’m listening.
Dr. Laura: You need help. A lot more than I can give.
Peter: That’s why I was calling, because I need help.
Dr. Laura: Well at least we agree on something. Hold the line there,
and someone’s going to talk to you for a while. (Dr. Laura clicks
Peter’s line off) It’s a shame that someone like
that can have custody of kids. There should be a law against that
sort of thing. Are you hearing me out there? Good, I thought so.
