The Problem With Stalking Michael Mason
by Christopher Dooley
The first thing you should know is that
Michael Mason is very nimble. I stalked him through a crowded airport
terminal, and he was able to navigate the crowd with unbelievable
ease. I, on the other hand, tripped over a rolling suitcase and
had to pick up his trail later that day.
When I called his house, he tried the
old "answer the phone with a woman's voice" trick, but I didn't
fall for it. I told him I was stalking him, and he said he would
punch my gut the next time he saw me. So I disguised myself as Michael
Mason to avoid suspicion.
This plan would have worked, except I
was being stopped on the street every fifteen minutes or so by people
who thought I was Russell Crowe. "I'm Michael Mason," I would tell
them, but they weren't convinced because I was unable to produce
a Seal tattoo on my right hip. Then I showed them the green Civic
I was driving and this was enough proof.
Everything was going fine until Michael
Mason gave everyone some tips on how to stalk him-techniques he
had obviously learned from watching me. The next thing I know, I'm
being stalked by ten or eleven people I don't know. People with
motor boats hitched to the rears of their blue Geo's. I couldn't
even go to IHOP without being followed. I tried to tell them I wasn't
Michael Mason, but they wouldn't listen. Each time I confronted
them, they would try to push my Jelly Button. It was a nightmare.
I had to decide: I could take off the Michael Mason disguise and
risk being punched in the gut by Michael Mason, or I could remain
in Michael Mason disguise and be stalked by Michael Mason stalkers.
Needless to say, I removed the disguise
and found out that a gut shot from Michael Mason really hurts. Sometimes,
when I'm alone, I'll put on my Michael Mason disguise and walk around
the house just so I can feel like Michael Mason's stalker one more
time. Then I'll look out my window and I'll see the bushes move.
Ever so slightly, but I swear they move.
