IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR LOVE, YOU’VE
COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE
by Christopher Dooley
We know you’ve led a difficult life. We know how bad
you’ve been hurt. We know about the abuse, self- or otherwise. We
are completely aware of how ugly, pathetic, and pitiful you are.
We are here to help.
At Cranberry Cave Affection Center, you will find
a staff of fully trained, open-minded, compassionate individuals
with only one goal in mind—to show you love. On site is a full complement
of surrogate mothers, enthusiastic fathers, approving siblings,
and good and decent members of the opposite sex. All at your disposal,
24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Have you been waiting your entire life for a parent
to cradle you in their arms and tell you how beautiful and talented
you are? You’ll find that parent at Cranberry Cave. Have you been
waiting for a companion to boost your confidence and tell you what
a great kisser you are? We have plenty of those too. And you
can call on them any time, day or night, with a simple touch of
a button.
Imagine lying in your bed, tears welling in your eyes
because you feel pitiful and pathetic. Maybe you’re ashamed of who
you are. Maybe all you need is a loving hand. Within minutes of
pushing the button on the wall beside your bed, that hand will be
at your side to stroke your hair and wipe the snot from your nose.
For $79 a day, you will be showered with love and
affection, a special and unconditional love and affection the likes
of which you have never known. You will also be served three meals
a day in the Cranberry Cave Cafeteria. Meals that will make you
feel warm inside, like Cream of Wheat, but better.
We know you will be so satisfied with your stay, you
will never want to leave. You will be given so much love, your loins
will ache with anticipation of every new day. Stop leading an ugly,
pitiful life. Give up on ever coming to terms with the parental
neglect and spousal abuse that has plagued you. It’s time to start
basking in the glow of the love-giving professionals at Cranberry
Cave. You’ll love it. We promise.
