Me Head

Investment Guide 2001

by Glenn Hartfield

 

  Well, friends, I hope you enjoyed your holidays thoroughly, but now that RedHat and BSG are long gone memories, it is time to face the reality of the coming year. Two thousand was a transition year for many investors and although Y2K did not bite as many of us predicted, we still faced a lot of uncertainties in regard to dot-com startups and tech stocks. Some of the biggest losers were manufacturers of telecomm equipment and "e-tailers." The year ended with the Nasdaq down in double digits and the NYSE following close behind.

  Many of you reading this maybe saying aloud: "Glenn, has the bear finally reared its ugly head, after nearly eleven years of a roaring bull market?"

  Well, the safe answer is a definite maybe, which may leave many of you scratching your heads. If you are looking to go bargain hunting this spring while many tech stocks are sitting at an all time low, you maybe better off taking your money to the craps table in Atlantic City. With George W. in the oval office, be prepared for a somewhat awkward transition from a tech-friendly administration to a more tech-curious administration. Warren Buffet has indicated he will be diversifying his portfolio and expanding into non-traditional investments. I've already beat Mr. Buffet to the punch by tapping into non-traditional investments as early as the third quarter of 1998. In our opinion we feel that traditional investments will continue to plummet in 2001 and in order to get ahead you will have to outsmart the competition. I'm here to help you succeed, so I now present to you my 17th annual Investment Guide top five picks:

1. ABACUSES - With energy prices hitting an all-time high, it costs more and more to keep your PC powered. An alternative to spending an arm and a leg on your electric bill is the abacus. Billed as the first hand-held computer it helps you count to twenty and beyond without having to use those pesky toes. At press time Countdown Inc. was trading at $17.50 a share. Buy now and expect a double digit rate of return.

2. SURF BOARDS- In spite of the record cold temperatures much of the nation has suffered through, expect devastating global warming to continue. The World's oceans will create killer waves causing many coastal residents to forgo land altogether and travel solely on surfboards. Hobie, Op, and Body Glove are all expecting high returns on surf boards and related apparel. Teva and Oakley are trying to get their feet wet in this emerging market and O Neill has registered the phrases "killer" and "shredding" for its upcoming marketing push. Analysts expect Op to come out on top.

3. LOW CALORIE SNACK FOODS- Last year nearly 95% of all Americans were morbidly obese. A recent study has found the cause of this phenomenon was a lack of low calorie snacks in these obese people's diets. Scientists discovered that if you eat several metric tons of low-cal, low-fat foods you will very quickly lose weight without having to turn off Murder She Wrote or get out of the EZ Chair. As soon as this revolutionary information is disseminated, we can expect healthy snack food manufacturers to experience a boon year in 2001.

4. NOOSES- As George Bush settles into office we can expect a mandatory death penalty for all defendants in felony trials, regardless of the outcome of the case. Hanging is an inexpensive and effective way to rid our society of riff-raff. The two leading noose manufacturers are Hangtime Industries and Dead Wait. Although Hangtime leads in sales worldwide, insiders say that Dead Wait has close ties to the Bush Administration and that a $3.95 billion contract is pending.

5. GEORGE MAGAZINE- Traditional news sources had trouble competing with their more agile webmag and 'zine counterparts. The exception to this trend was George, interestingly enough. As 2000 witnessed the demise of over 1200 newspapers and television networks, George continued to provide insightful commentary and news that has been its trademark for over 85 years. Founded by Elijah P. Wilson in 1914 in what is now Louisville, Kentucky, George has found a loyal and growing readership that appreciates a homespun twist on the usual stodgy news of the day. With the Bush Administration now in place, we can expect that George will continue to flourish and provide us with colorful yarns on what stocks to invest in and helpful tips on how best to order a chalupa at the Taco Bueno drive through.