MY FIRST WILL & TESTAMENT
by Benjamin Carrol
I, Benjamin Carrol, being
of pretty sound mind, though I haven’t really reached the age of
reason, and small but sound body, hereby bequeath all the world’s
possessions to myself. This is meant explicitly to include Matt
Marshall’s Nintendo 64 system, all his games, and his cool Marilyn
Manson poster.
I also want Jimmy Beason’s
Korn CDs and his mom and dad’s hot tub. And when I go to the arcade
at the mall I should get a whole $10 roll of quarters instead of
a little handful or a few singles to change. I want Eddie Butler’s
cousin to take me up in his helicopter by myself, without Eddie
there talking and showing off all the time.
Laney and Chelsea both have
to like me for now, ‘cause I can’t decide which one I want to be
my girlfriend. Chelsea has to wear a swimsuit and sit in my new
hot tub so I can see how big her boobs are now.
I want mom to stop bothering
me about homework and also let me get my eyebrow pierced if I decide
that I want to, and my brother Jeremy to take me to rated R movies,
especially with Elizabeth Hurley in them.
I looked up “testament.” It
said “written instructions to be carried out upon one’s death,”
but I didn’t think that was right because then why do we call the
bible testaments unless God died?
Mr. Beason is a minister and
he said a testament in the bible is an agreement, like a contract,
that people swear to. So here’s mine:
Whoever will get all the stuff
in my will for me will be my Best Friend forever, and I will be
theirs. I swear.
Very Truly Yours
Benjamin Carrol
