CRACK OF THE DAY
by Porter Armenshahie
September 14
Darian Gardner of Mount Pleasant, Idaho
cracked upon realizing that he owes $14,130 in back taxes. This
sort of thing has caused cracks before, but Gardner’s subsequent
actions are memorable: he locked himself in the closet and buried
his legs in garbage from his kitchen. Gardner now refers to this
closet as his “shrine” and spends a good couple hours a day in that
state.
September 15
Abraham Lincoln (no relation to the
former President) of Boise, Idaho completely lost it for as-yet
uncertain reasons. The crack was detected by Miriam Lincoln – no
relation – who noticed an unusually high number of praying mantises
in Abraham’s hair. Asked about these animals, Mr. Lincoln chanted
his own name for a period of several minutes.
September 16
Lorraine Calcutta of Abilene, Texas
went over the edge to the surprise of no one. In fact, there are
conflicting reports of when, exactly, the crack occurred.
Most feel that Lorraine’s display of her nude person on Mayflower
Road in the midmorning is symptomatic, but others point to her longstanding
exhibitionist tendencies and suggest that a true breakdown must
be dated from her evening game of solitaire, played with 19 decks
of cards from which all the jacks of diamonds had been removed.
September 17
Several assembly-line workers at the
Marginald Plant in Geermont, Idaho lost it in an unusually tragic
way. Driven crazy by mindless repetitive labor, they began screaming
so loud that all around them thought a fire alarm was going off.
When the GFD arrived and turned the hoses on, two of the aforementioned
assembly-line workers were drowned by the torrents of water.
September 18
Marty Geermont of Mount Pleasant, Texas
is strongly suspected of having cracked at 2:13 PM while driving
on Interstate 114. It wasn’t much – a tiny twitch in the eye, visible
only to the most careful observer – but these things are not always
obvious. An extra-loud breath, an unnecessary pause before answering
a simple question… These are the faint footprints of psychosis in
our workaday world.
Special thanks to Emily Lezaey for
keeping track of all these cracks!
