NATION'S FUTURE RESTS
ON
JIMMY BUFFETT
"It's my own
damn fault," explains Florida resident Jimmy Buffett.
"I was off somewhere, doin' I-don't-know what. Then I thought,
damn, I need to mail my vote!"
Earlier today,
election results indicated a 1,700-vote margin between the candidates,
and as the recount proceeded, the margin grew unbelievably narrow.
So narrow, that the Florida State Absentee Voting Commissioner Pen
Graham has determined that Buffet's vote will break the tie.
Graham has organized
a statewide hunt for the ballot, scouring mailrooms from Tallahassee
to the Keys. Buffett hinted that he may have forgotten postage,
and that the prized envelope may be getting returned to sender.
"I've done
that a lot of times. You know, you get to smoking and drinking and
havin' a good ol' time, and then you just drop off your mail without
checkin'," says Buffett.
When asked which
candidate he voted for, Buffett claims that he can't remember, but
that "it sure as hell wasn't Pat Buchanan-- I wasn't that drunk!"
Buffet's vote should
be received later today.
