Assuming
These People Are Related
by Christopher
Dooley
John Cassevetes
(Independent Filmmaker) initiates a conversation with his cousin,
Allen Funt (Host of "Candid Camera"), in an effort to test Allen's
willingness to kiss him at the upcoming family picnic. Allen acts
congenial but disinterested toward John. John, as always, walks
away feeling alone, burdened by a certain weight he has never quite
been able to explain.
The long-running
feud between Catherine Zeta-Jones (Actress) and her sister, Jackie
Joyner-Kersey (Olympic Athlete) is resolved when Catherine invites
Jackie over for brunch. The two discuss their childhood at length
and blame all of their problems on an absentee father and an apathetic
mother. "Remember when mom sent us to the store to buy cigarettes
and milk?" Jackie says. "Yes," Catherine says. "I remember it well."
Alan Greenspan
(Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board) despises his father, Justin
Timberlake (member of the pop group 'N Sync). It seems that after
Justin's second divorce, he set his sights on Alan's long-time girlfriend,
Juliet Binoche (French Actress). Although Alan is intelligent, handsome,
and adequate in bed, Juliet could not resist Justin's maturity and
wisdom. Alan claims he has no father. Justin and Juliet have one
child together.
Brothers Will
Smith (Actor, Musician) and Desmund Tutu (Archbishop of South Africa)
meet at the local pub every afternoon. They discuss work, sports,
marriage, and illnesses over pints of beer and hot wings. They have
agreed, in the past, they are both lucky men. Such talk lends itself
to excessive drinking until Desmund has the courage to tell Will
he is impotent. Will tells Desmund not to worry, then they drive
home-arriving safely, though dangerously drunk.
The last time
Sarah Michelle Gellar (Actress) saw her uncle, Gerry Adams (President
of Sinn Fein), was when Uncle Gerry came to her parents' house for
Christmas and ended up living there for two months. She was fourteen
at the time and resented Uncle Gerry's attempts to befriend her.
She was embarrassed to bring her friends around because her uncle
frequently roamed through the house in only a pair of tattered boxers
and a "Viva Las Vegas" T-shirt. Sarah occasionally wonders what
became of Uncle Gerry after he moved out. Then she resumes thinking
about everything else.
